Ganesha's Blog

Bombay Will Be My Hamelin

2006-09-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

Remember that? Does that sound familiar? It should because if it didn't, it means you grew up under a rock in a very saffron part of the country. In fact, Ganesha is sorry to say that Bombay, formerly the only half-decent place in this filthy country is fast heading that way. Some might say and it would be tough to disagree that it is already that way. But fear not, there is reason for my existence. Tonight, I shall be the Piper and Bombay will be my Hamelin.

That is exactly what the tradition is about. My stupid brother and stupider mother had one opportunity and they buggered it up divinely. This was their chance to act like the heavenly, godly beings that the world claims them to be. But instead we all know pretty damn well what they ended up doing.

Before some of you point fingers, let me clarify that I am not doing this because people have backed out on my royalty payments. It does irk me very much that I have been advertising everything from body cleanser to diaper rash powder and I have been doing it pro bono... but thats okay. I am, truly, the bigger person here and I will not let such tiny eventualities get me down. What I will do is cleanse, purge and rid the city... to the best of my abilities mind you... of the heathen, the pagan, the corrupt, the diseased, the ghastly, the sick, the disturbed, the deranged, the fanatics, the lunatics, the perverts, the Hindus... I invite you... educated reader to keep your fingers crossed. Tonight, I intend to put on a grand display... you will see me in the form everywhere. You will see me in various sizes, various shapes, various hues... and I will be followed by the teeming millions that infect this city. They will believe me... they will believe that I am leaving them gladly... because I am... but I intend to take some of them with me. To the bottom of the ocean... and I intend to take them there in pain... screaming pain.

Tonight... Bombay will be my Hamelin!

Ganesha Don't Swim Do He?!

2006-09-04T02:24:00.000-07:00

There's a reason Indians never win Olympic golds where water sports are concerned... Indians don't swim. Have you ever heard of a gold medalist Indian diver? Freestyle swimmer? Heaven forbid synchronised swimmer? No... you know why? Because Indians don't swim in water! They drink it... they take their weekly bath... they piddle in it so that they can blame Coke for corrupting the Indian youth with western culture... but they don't swim in it. Because Indians are bad swimmers...

Indian gods are WORSE swimmers. They've lived all their lives in the skies. They literally have their heads in the clouds. They take a piss and Bombay comes to a standstill... they have a pissing contest and people say the polar ice caps are melting raising global water levels. Gods don't swim! Then why in the name of Steve Irwin (may he rest in peace) would you eat a lot, drink a lot, invite lots of people to watch and make complete asses of yourself by swimming in the sea!

Thats right Mother mine... I'm talking to you! I'm also talking to you Kartik! You Laxmi! And especially you, Saraswati, you brain dead little hen! I mean seriously! I don't want to hear excuses... I watched you idiots make complete fools of yourselves the past few days. Is this the way to behave. Laxmi and Saraswati, do you think you guys are going to be 5,000 years forever??? Age is going to catch up with you someday you know that! Watch what you bloody eat!!! Three hundred modaks apiece... you sows! Kartik... what a grand way to come out of the closet. Yes! Yes! I saw it all... I'm sure you're going to say that people in Bombay are just friendly. Thats the way they behave with all their guests. You had a drop too many. You were just dancing and having fun! Harmless swimming I'm sure you'll say! Right on bro! Right ON! Gauri... o' great mother of mine... You took the easy way out where childbirth was concerned so sure you don't look your age BUT act your age. How can you socialise on the streets so brazenly with men you barely know!! Does His Highness Mr. Stoner even know the way those men held you up and walked down the streets? You old slag!! I'm disgusted... Men you don't know holding you on their shoulders... dancing with you... swimming with you!

And what happened of your swimming after such disgusting brazen acts... the lot of you? SANK STRAIGHT TO THE BOTTOM.... And now you wake up here in Kailash Parbat with a bitch of a hangover. Of course its going to be worse up here. Do you know what the air pressure is like and the levels of oxygen are all about. Have you learnt nothing!?!?! I gave up on you lot.... I'm talking a walk down to earth to check on that useless lawyer about my endorsement deals.

I'm Calling My Lawyers About Ganesha Chaturthi

2006-08-31T05:16:00.000-07:00

I can not believe what is happening to the world. Its horrible!!! Who on earth said you people could do this to me. I absolutely object to the abuse splashed the world with absolutely NO royalty payments made to me. Where are the permissions? Where the No Objection Certificates? Where are the Ganesha Trademark and Copyright payments? Each and every one of you is going to pay and going to pay big time! I have seen the blatant use of my face, my image and I might have a bit of a paunch but I am not that grossly obese as I have been piortrayed. What is wrong with you lot anyway? Do you honestly find it exciting that you are adoring and worshipping someone who could keep Golds Gym functioning with no more new memberships? I mean seriously. I'll be the first to admit there is a certain charm hanging from a cross in diapers but something like that is just not Ganesha. If I had a chocie in this matter, I would definitely invest in some decent threads. Been trying to convince Gap to start their delivery service to Kailash parbat. Not thats Ganesha, know what I mean. At any rate, Ganesha is not an obese, overstuffed, rat-riding fatty. Not only is this just a blatant violation of copyright, its defamation of the good Ganesha name IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY. Somebody's going to pay and pay big time!

Ganesha Returns

2006-08-31T05:13:00.000-07:00

So its that time of the year again when the world wakes up to Ganesha. I've been in hibernation for the last few months. And I mean that seriously, being Ganesha is not as easy as you would imagine it to be. Everyone thinks... surrrre, Ganesha, I know him. Nice guy, needs to lose a few pounds, elephant head... nice guy. But being Ganesha is not easy. For one, this hibernation thingie. Its like I'm no longer half elephant and half Ganesha. Its like Ganesha is an ELEPHANT. Calm down Maneka Gandhi, I'm not saying its a bad thing. Just a wee bit new to get used to. But what woke me up from my slumber, LITERALLY, is the frikkin' noise outside my window. I wake up and what do I see? Ganesha everywhere. ME everywhere!! On the walls, lights, newspapers, TV adverts... its Ganesha, Ganesha, Ganesha and even more Ganesha! Thats what I started off with right... Ganesha Chaturthi. So I thinks to myself, I'm going to check out just what the big hoo-haa about me is really all about!

Still haven't gotten used to this!

2006-04-02T05:51:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing its going to be like learning to walk all over again but no matter how much I try to motivate myself, I just can't help but sink into this state of frustration and deep resentment towards Dad. And Ma too... to an extent. There are times when I don't understand this whole god business. How is it that I am able to be created so conveniently by scraping sandal paste of Ma but when my head gets lopped off, I have to live with being a half-elephant.

The first thing that I felt was this insane hunger... and the funny thing was the fact that I had this urge to go eat leaves. Can you believe that. This stupid head of mine has made me a vegetarian. Forget the taste of meat, I crave leaves and peanuts... its intensely annoying. Then there's the fact that I have already spent a small fortune on cotton buds. The immense confusion about being god continues. Sure I can live forever and ever but apparently, I can't keep my ears clean without having to literally shovel out the wax. Seeking a Johnson and Johnson endorsement deal of some sort. Any support will be appreciated...

The maidens don't give me the kind of attention anymore either. Although they have been hinting at the whole trunk being able to do a lot more than smell. Normally this would make me very glad but I don't want to live the rest of my life as a sex object... Note to self: get my brain checked, hanging around all these girls is making me one myself.

So tell you what... I am going to give in to temptation in every sense of the phrase. I am going to train my trunk, I am going to exercise and I am going to get these women believing in god like they have never done before. I mean hell, think about it... if the Catholics could get the whole Hail Mary thing down as a serious party game then I can surely use my trunk to spread the good word of religion especially to those who really seem very interested in all of it...

Time for a snack... have also developed a fascination for Skippy.

Oh bloody brilliant!

2006-03-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the big day. Yes... the day that I have been waiting for so long finally arrived. My dad was all triumphant and glad. He walks in with his retinue and don't ask me how but he actually managed to get the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack going in the back. So he's walking in all slow motion... his jewellry glittering and clinking as he walks. For a pot head, he certainly managed to keep a straight line. His hands are behind his back and I could tell from the look on his face that for the first time he was going to actually behave like a father should and actually play a part in my life... This is what happened....

He stops in front of me... the splashing from the bathroom (yeah what did you expect. If you think a headless son is going to stop anybody from bathing, you do not know Ma at all) stopped, the music stopped and all I could hear was the combined breathing of so many people... the leaves rustling, the melting snow dripping in the distance. Dad takes a deep breath and brings his hand forward...

My jaw dropped...

The maidens gasped (a gasp like you've got to be kidding not a gasp like oh my god, you're so lucky to have him for a father)...

He held in his hand... a freshly cut head... of... an ELEPHANT!

For god's sake man (I'm tired of this pun but anyways)... have you totally smoked yourself retarded? Has the thin air up here in the Himalayas completely numbed your few remaining brain cells. Do gods not have to pass simple biology classes? Did your mother breast feed you too much? Were you standing just below a landslide? Were you standing downwind of a fat man who ate his fiftieth Big Mac with cheese? Did you work as a crash test dummy for the Army? Did your aunt spend a little too much time bathing you when you were a child? Were you kicked out of school? Did you even go to school? When did you stop wetting the bed? Do you still suck your thumb? Just how many times do you masturbate every day? Did you eat some bad beef? Did you grow up near a nuclear reactor? Do you drink your own piss?

NO? Then how exactly did you manage to addle your brains so completely as to suggest that I would want to live the rest of my life with an elephant head! There is absolutely no way in goddamn hell that I am going to agree to you fixing an elephant head on my neck! I don't care how cute you think he is! What? No I bloody do NOT care what the girls will think when they see a cute bald elephant head! What? You mean with the trunk? You're sick!!! You're my father for crying out loud... how can you say such things! Which world did you grow up in? Yes I know that... its a rhetorical question you pot smoking, python humping sorry excuse for an out of work gay gigolo with a severe case of herpes! I wish your mother could see you now... She'd be so so proud! You don't have a mother? I'm not surprised... if I were your mother, I'd have smothered you years ago! An elephant head... There is no way I am living with an elephant head okay. What do you mean what am I going to do? I'm going to protest because I live in a democratic word and my protesting dissenting voice matters and will be heard....

Hang on... wait... what are you doing... You mean to say that if you stick the head on, it starts working and this head of mine just stops. Hang on... you can't do that. Stop... I do not want to be known as the Elephant God... stop it stop it... Step away from the decapitated body and drop the severed animal head right now. I mean it... don't make me do something I don't want to do. I'll tell Ma... thats right... call me names but I WILL tell Ma and we all know just how cranky she gets if her bath is disturbed... STOP IT... NO NO NO NO NO... WAIT WAIT WAIT.... Let's talk about it... See actually, I like human heads... I know this head isn't much to look at but I was born with it and an elephant head just won't be the same... Please.... look, this head wants to talk... it wants to live... don't kill it... don't give me an elephant head... NO NO NO NO... WAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIT......

FUCK!

Die Stephen Hawking Die!

2006-03-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

Its normally not my scene to be dissing a man in a wheelchair. Especially a man who's so way worse off than I am in so many ways. Did you know that Mrs Stephen Hawking beats him! She apparently torments the poor sod and even smothers him with a pillow. Turns out that being an invalid is a lot worse than I thought possible. Earlier i thought, man its an annoyance that my stomach feels hungry and I don't know about it or that I feel like scratching my face but I can't get my hand to do that... thats nothing! Mrs Hawking apparently was trying some really funky positions with Steve and his chair and well... didn;t really work. Ol' Steve got so excited that instead of getting his machine to hold her tight and stroke her neck, he got it to bitch slap her and then proceed to get a rather unnatural machine erection that got tangled up in her clothes... it does not sound pretty.

I tried to guide him away from this sensitive issue and towards more mundane things that how on earth does he manage to aim the toilet paper?! I mean its embarrassing for me to have another person clean up a fully grown adult (you know, maybe that's why the maiden left! Not to self... call men to wipe my ass)... but he insists on doing it on his own... how does he manage! Or shake when he'd done peeing. Steve went ballistic... I shouldn't be bothering him apparently... why does it matter to me... my dad's god and he'd sure to fix up his wittle baby just right and new... Not on! I may be the son of god but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings.

It obviously got worse after that. I wanted to just sit in a corner and cry and I couldn't really do that. I mean I was doing just that the whole time. I get back from the visit and I find myself sitting in a corner. What got me crying is the fact that my glorious heavenly god body was being used as a towel and robe hanger. My body... my eight arms were being used by the maidens... and Ma! Ma too... Ma is actually using my body while bathing. Oh I know its going to be a tough adolescence... I just see it coming on. She is using my body to hang her robe. Surely, this is not why gods have so many hands... is this why Steve got so ticked off with my questions. Could he have known all along that in the end, my problem is actually rather trivial...

I hate him... I hate him for being oh so clever and Mr. oh I'm so cool, I press a button and suddenly five mechanical hands appear flipping me the bird. I hate Ma for doing this to my body. I hate the maidens for encouraging her. I hate Dad for starting all of this. I hate you Stepehen Hawking... since you are the only one who isnt a god... I wish you a fate worse than death. I curse you with a sad half-life hald-death where you have no control over anything and everyone you know hates you and... oh fo god's sake... why can;t you just die!!!

In desperate need of advice

2006-03-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Another day goes by and nothing much really changes. The maiden who was doing the typing earlier got tired of me and my alleged LACK of feelings. Oh sure... guy loses his head once and trust the girl to neverrrrr let him forget it. Anyways... she's gone now and Dad's homie who's doing the typing now kinda leaves much to be desired. I have to spell out every word for him to comprehend... which is what actually got me thinking about asking around for help and support from other people who are in similar problematic positions as me...

First choice was obviously Chrisotpher Reeve. I mean if Superman can do it then a son of god can do it better right. And since he copped it anyways, I'm guessing he should be in the vicinity. Could NOT have been further from the truth. Turns out, once he reached Pearly Gates... which is apparently just down the road from my place, take a sharp left at the cross shaped cloud and keep walking till you find a belligerent old fart with a kick ass lap top and the this awesome never ending glass of martini. Moving on... turns out that there's a lot that most people missed about why ol' Chris got in the wheel chair in the first place. Well... suffice to say that the man knew how to ride so when people were surprised at his accident... good reason to be. Put it this way... he was trying to ride the horse in a way the poor bugger had neverrrr even dreamed possible. Chris is a damn sight lucky that the beast did not have claws... man... if I was a horse, I'd go rodeo on him BIG TIME!

So that attempt kinda failed... trying to get a hold of Stephen Hawking

Head hunting begins

2006-03-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

Its been too long already with me not being able to do anything. There are some things you just don't think about when you have a head that really intrigue you when you don't. I don't feel hungry... now get this alright. When I am hungry, and the only time i really realise that is when I can hear my stomach rumble... funny though because since I can't feel my stomach, how do I know its hungry. So I don't and only feed myself when I hear the rumbling tummy. I can't really walk around either. Think about it right... I can't tell my body to pick me up... its got no brain!!! And since my dear old Dad severed all nerves connecting me to my better half, no impulses, no instructions... I sit all day long and continue doing... what else? Guard the door while Ma bathes!

Dad's apparently gone a couple of times himself to look for heads. Turning out to be a little more problematic that any one of us imagined. Problem with being gods and egenral supernormal creatures is that nobody dies. While we haven't started facing the problem of overcrowding yet, I'm thinking we should start investing in some serious sky scrapers... anyways... since no one dies here... can't really ask a live person to donate his head to me right. So... in a way, its kinda back to the drawing board...

Oh and in case you were wondering, one of Ma's hand maidens was immensely sweet enough to type these posts for me while I dictate to her... and now she's blushing because I called her sweet... But you are! Honestly! Would I lie to you? Look at me... why if I had any control over myself, I would really be losing control right now... You are though... honestly!

Not a good week... Part Two

2006-03-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

Now this bit was really trippy. I lay there... headless... my body running around like a well... headless kid. I'm screaming... proper blood curdling screams I promise you. Ma comes running out. Turns out the pot-smoking bastard wasn't lying. She walks up to him and slaps him in the face. Go Ma! Show him who wears the lungi in the family!

Ma's hand maidens show no sympathy to a headless kid. They stand around dripping wet so can't blame them too much. One of them's eying my chuddies too suspiciously for my liking. Just how hard is it to find good help these days honestly. Bloody unions have really ruined everything.

Ma's meanwhile going epic Goddess on Dad's ass. Turns out hisname is Shiva. Feels funny to be able to call somebody "Dad" Will take me some time to get over this incident. Thankfully I'm a god and so can curse any shrink who tries to make TOO much money off my sessions.

Ma screams at Dad telling him that I was his son and he has no right to chop my head off. Never thought I'd see that sentence in print. If this was America, he'd get his ass carted off way before he could say "Lingam." But nooooo.... over here, it doesn't matter if you chop your son's head off. Oh, we're god's... we make our own rules. I bet even Vince McMahon would be shocked at this display of family values!!!

So dad gives in right... although secretly, I'm thinking he'll just about sign anything right to get past Ma and have her hand maidens help him out with his scrubbing! He says that my head apparently has a an expriy date but not my body. Pity though, was hoping to he'd be able to give me a new body... perhaps three inches taller and a nice six pack... Anyways, I'm to stay put as I am (like I have much of a choice)... and he says he'll be in charge of getting a new head and jump-starting me again... He sends some of his homies off to search for heads... He, meanwhile takes Ma off somewhere... given how much pot he's toked, don't think he'll get any... Maidens leave me... dark sense of forboding....

Not a good week... Part One

2006-03-14T00:07:00.000-08:00

You want to know why I haven't been writing?? Coz it hasn't been a good week! At All! The fact that i started with Part One should give some idea of it all...

Okay... starts with the fact that all I get to do all day is stand guard while Ma and her maidens frolic. I am sick and tired of trying to figure out just how clean is clean. Four hour baths five times a day is more than enough. I've read the latest issues of Cosmo, Health and Nutrition, People AND Good Housekeeping and no where does it wax eloquent over the virtues of a 20 hour bath affecting your virility, stamina or keeping milk fresh beyond the expiry date! If I hear another hand maiden coo hysterically when I protest against the bathing, I swear I'm going to go religious on her ass! So help me God... well...

As if things aren't boring enough... next time you talk about wanting to come to Paradise and how you hope you go straight to heaven, you come talk to me... Anyways... so things are boring... all I hear all day is splashing water and female giggles. I don't know how Hef did it for so long but I've had it up to HERE with the giggling! You find something funny, you laugh out loud woman!! If not... you shut up... enough of this half laugh coy giggling! I'm the only guy here and you are NOT impressing me!

Right on cue... who should show up but... well... a guy! Imagine my joy! I was up and all gay at the mere sight of him! Another guy in my neck of the clouds! it got better... he had a python round his neck. I KNOW! I mean it... he had a python round his neck and the pipe he was smoking did not have tobacco thats for sure. I can recognise tobacco smoke and this was not it. I'm sorry for being cliche but the smell was heavenly. Which is why I got pretty put off when he tells me he's come to see his wife!

This man claims to be my paternal figure/care-giver... he shows up all of a sudden and all he wants to do is jump into a bathroom full of giggling woman with his python. Well... if he could do something about that infernal giggling, it may not be a bad idea to let him through but I don't know... Ma told me to keep people out and I intend to do just that...

So I told the dude no way. Turns out his name is Shiva. I told him I'm technically his son and he began ranting about how no son of his would be a simple gatekeeper. I told him that though the job didn't pay much, I did get to work from home. Dad (yeah I know but I miss not being able to call anyone that) got mad... and if I thought I could go religious... this man went mythical. He totally lost his head... I kid you not... he huffed... and he puffed and he let fly this whirly disc and the next thing I know... I lost my head too.

Good thing about being a god... there'll always be a part two.

You call this a life?

2006-02-25T23:38:00.001-08:00

Turns out the bit about being a son of god might be true enough... Ma's maids don't want to get in my chuddies after all... Bummer!

While I am son of god... biological father is saffron paste... haven't met paternal care-giver figure-type divine person yet.

Disillusionment with this god stuff settling in pretty quick... found out purpose in life is to guard Ma while she bathes... or rather guard Ma while her numerous maids bathe her. In the open too. Don;t get that. What the hell (not sure the reference of this phrase...) is the point of being god if you can;t even afford indoor plumbing! Honestly, I tell you... people just don't know how to spend money.

Have spent all living days playing door man to Ma's bathing sessions. And by the looks of things she likes bathing a lot. She just can't seem to get that infernal paste off. Having serious emotional issues re:above point. Ma's bathing sessions with numerous maids and lack of father posing serious concerns.

Not sure why but have this feeling in my gut that all these emotional issues could be dealt with by eating peanuts... not sure how to interpret that urge.

Coming to life is cool!

2006-02-25T02:52:00.000-08:00

A FLASH OF LIGHT AND HERE I AM...

Discovered I could talk immediately on being born too. Awesome! Was a regular birth... since Caeserean's yet to be born and therefore invented... I was born of saffron paste scraped off Ma's body (don't ask!)

Ma's maids... (and man does she have a lot of them) tell me I'm like the son of god. Not sure if they're saying that just to get into my chuddies man... I mean... all they have to do is ask me you know!!! Will check up to see if its eternal truth or cosmic pick up line!!!